modern advantures of Manchusean Sidharth Vardhan

Modern Adventures of Munchausen – Part 3

(A humorous write-up was first written as a review of ‘Adventures of Munchausen’ on Goodreads. Find all parts here.)

I see people still seem to be thinking that I just tell tall-tales. Now if you visited my town, you would have known the fame I have for my honesty, they swear on it –if they want to praise someone’s honesty they will say he is as honest as our great lord Manchurian (since that the title they use for me) or if they want to assert truthiness of something, they will say ‘believe it as if our great lord M. has said it.’ The Roman people were even better- they named a whole month after me – of course, it later deteriorated from Munch to March but hey, it is the gesture that counts. And of course, Johnny Depp, whom I was just talking with, could have told you – but he is won’t be seen with me. He says he feels eclipsed by my presence.

I said if it is any consolation DiCaprio feels the same.

Of course sometimes one has to lie, I mean if kids come to me and say how much they like Arybhatta for inventing Zero or Vinci for his paintings or Mozart for music he created – I can’t help nodding while trying hard to suppress my smile. We can’t take away children’s heroes, can we?

Still, I don’t like people who will take credit for work done by others. Edison was at least honest enough to never actively claim undue honor. He always talked about discovering 10,000 ways that won’t work, he never said anything about discovering that single way that did work, did he? Ever wondered why?

Ya. You are right.

Other people though aren’t as honest. Even now I have just received a phone call, they were from a committee deciding who gets from Nobel prize for Economics. Of course, like every year, I told them to find someone else – and tell the committees for Physics, Chemistry, and Physiology to do the same. It has become a habit with them, every year they are pestering me with phone calls. I tell you it gets on one’s nerves. I have often changed my number, but they always get it from CERN, where I happened to be the president. The peace prize ones are the worst of the lot, given my peaceful attitude there is no stopping them, that is why I didn’t tell the economics guys to try.

And what about Literature? you ask. The thing is I no longer write anything. I wrote this long collection of stage-plays this once. I lost them all during my visit to a theatre on Queen Elizabeth’s invitation. If I’m right (and I’m hardly ever not) it was my horse-man, William something, who stole it.

Ever since I have lost the taste of it. And to be honest I judge people who will do nothing but read all day. I mean how lame is that!

You know what else I don’t like? People pretending to be cleverer than they are. Just last week I was visited by this Baker street kid who thinks he is a detective and his Doctor friend; quickly the former launched into that case he needs my help for “there is this murder” he was saying “there are no clues, no motives, nothing peculiar….”

“Sherry! Sherry! Sherry!” I interrupted his monologue, shaking my head once for every ‘Sherry’, “The younger sister is the murderer. You can dig in the garden in the right-hand side of her neighbor’s backyard, for the knife with her fingerprints on it.”

He and his friend were shocked for some reason. After taking his time to swallow his pride, he asked “How do you know? It is not even in newspapers.”

These kids I tell you! “Oh! It is obvious, Listen to me Sherry and try to understand and you, Hamish” I said looking at his friend, “You just listen Okay!… In the beginning, there was the word.”

“And…” Sherry said, somehow, not finding the explanation sufficient.

“… and all the rest follows.” Can the chain of reasoning be more obvious? Well, it wasn’t for those two, so I have to explain to them in detail. Of course, I won’t insult your cleverness by going into explanations.

I have always found these geniuses to be more irritating than others. This another kid, supposed to be a genius, kept irritating me about his observations and about how he was sure that energy was somehow a curtain or something over matter or something until I lost my temperament and had to interrupt him telling “Not so clever Einstein, e equals m c square.”

I tell you it is difficult to be a genius in a world of mediocre people – fortunately, though most of you will never know this feeling. There was actually the time I lost my temperament and decided to destroy the whole planet. Start the whole thing all over again, you know! Of course, in all my kindness I wanted to give humanity a chance to mend their ways. And so what I do is bring a couple of really big asteroids, put them in the ocean, put some people on it and tell them that world is going to end on December 21, 2012 (since that was the day I decided). And so they build their calendars and everything accordingly.” Next, I go and tell Columbus to look for India in the West.

Of course, people didn’t change their ways and so I was all bent on destroying the World. I had everything set in order but had to abandon the plan due to health reasons.

Damn You, common cold!

After that, I was too lazy to go through it all over again. Anyway, its more fun that way – Didn’t I put Donald duck (or was it Trump) as a contestant for US elections just for laughs of it!

Still, I wonder what it feels like to be stupid – sometimes I do have this really absurd dream, in which I’m just a stupid guy who reads some books, thinks himself clever for that, writes foolish reviews with lame jokes on a website and is glad to get a few, what-can-only-be-called, pity likes. To imagine!

Copyright – Sidharth Vardhan

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