modern advantures of Manchusean Sidharth Vardhan

Modern Adventures of Munchausen – Part 2

(A humorous write-up was first written as a review of ‘Adventures of Munchausen’ on Goodreads. Find all parts here.)

I have discovered that a lot of people are taking what I have said as mere tall tales when, in fact, if ever I was guilty of lying then it was because I couldn’t do away with my habit of modesty. For example, this once, back in very old days – it was just a week before I handed those commandments to Moses; I participated in this village-wide game we were playing where you have to throw rocks, and the person whose rocks hit the ground furthest would win. Maybe I just happened to pick up too big a rock but I lost the game. Now tell me, would I be a tall-tale teller when I say I was a distant last in among hundreds of players? My throw was, in fact, so terrible that rock never landed; it just stayed out there in the sky – people call it the moon nowadays. Funny name! isn’t it, for a rock?

Once I was on this ‘moon’ – I often go there in search of solitude; when what I see is this vehicle lands near me and a man comes out of it in a clownish white silver dress and starts saying some stupid things like ‘big step’, ‘small step’ – I really didn’t get it. He was still rambling when he saw me; his face turned red. “Aa! You kids!” I said watching him stop, “And your little games! Cute!”. When they realized the truth, they started begging me to let them have the credit for being the first to be on the moon. I let them, I was too modest to claim any credit for myself. I heard they had to destroy all those photographs taken there to keep the secret.

Anyway, I’m not much for publicity. This once upon a time, I was sleeping at an airport when this airplane suddenly got some technical problem in landing. People began panicking which is all you mortals seem good for, and there was a lot of noise – it waked me up. I was obviously angry at being woken up in this manner – and just to shut them up, I stretched my arm to take hold of the airplane and put it on the ground. My arm hurt for weeks after that. Someone not believing the evidence of his eyes shouted: “but it is humanly impossible.” “Yes,” I said not knowing what he meant, “What is your point?”

Yet, you won’t see any account of this event in any of the newspapers because I took special pains to make sure it won’t get published. Although, censoring this news from newspapers was way too easier than censoring this photo of mine with that guy who happened to be at the airport. Personally I’m not much about being photographed but he; I think I can recall his name… Yes, Robert Downey Jr. he kept on insisting.

Yet another reason, I won’t come out is because I’m just too lazy. Last time, your humble narrator felt like actually doing something was a long way back. It was so dark out in those days that I had to begin by calling for light (‘Let there be light’) and so it went as I worked for six days straight (I signed my creations with pseudonyms like’ God’ in those days)

… but then I thought that I really do not want an image of a hard-working person – especially someone who won’t even take Saturdays off, it just doesn’t suit me. Also, my work from last day was terrible one – man (although I perfected it later in the second attempt) And so I spread a rumor that it all started with a Big Bang. Yet, another cover-up was the evidence of evolution (fake dinosaur bones) that I planted all over the planet. It all went well. Giant lizards! Really, people will believe anything.

I think it is just me people find it difficult to believe – maybe I just give the wrong kind of waves. If someone else was to say those things – you would believe him or her. I won’t know why. For example, I once wrote this document about the workings of the creation I just talked about; I remember I was with an Egyptian queen at that time. Another name I can’t recall, I have such a bad memory for names – anyway, I used to call her Leo. She was some woman, she cheated on three different guys with me (her brother, Creaser, and Anthony). Every time I went to her, she would be with a different man. I gifted her this lovely crossbreed pet, she used to call it Sphinx… but I’m diverting, my point being, it was while coming back to present that I thought that this document would be useless because people never believe whatever I say and so I threw it away. Someone seems to have found it, Isaac was it? Now while no one believes anything I say, everybody believed him when he said that he got all this from falling off of an apple!

Copyright – Sidharth Vardhan

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