Jane Sidharth Vardhan

I am sorry I failed you. I failed you a big time. It will be one of the biggest regrets of my life. You don’t even understand your plight. I have no justifications to excuse my doing this to an innocent life like you – to take away her home of from ever since her earliest days, I don’t think it can be excused. I know your inability to understand what has happened to you, your separation from your loved ones and anxiety it will cause. And I am powerless against it all. Even to stand by you through it all.

I have never been able to provide for myself, how could have I provided for you? I never planned my life beyond death of mamma till she died, and all my plans ever since have been flights of one-winged bird born of desperate rather than any real hope. It was just too late – my carelessness of all those years had been catching up with me now – both in terms of health and financial status. The hurts given by those humans that i loved didn’t help. I have been able to do my little by those others whose fates were entangled with mine – all the humans only to learn to expect nothing from them. I have learned over this dying decade how fickle human love is, to never trust promises or words of people, especially when they talk about love. The only solid thing in my life was your presence. It was only you whose presence and love I could count for. And I have failed you.

Very soon my miserable and weak self will probably be on streets. Already I have no home I can call my own. And I am looking at possible jail time. I might escape myself with only way I have been planning for 15 years. But I just couldn’t let you follow me to whatever fate the uncertain chaos of future hold for me. My apology, not because I expect you to forgive or even understand the offense but because these petty words are all I have. On this day, December  15, 2019, along with you, I say goodbye to the last shed of my soul or, at least, last shed of light and beautiful in me. All that left in me is the dark emptiness, that I won’t carry around in me for long.

Copyright – Sidharth Vardhan

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