Sidharth Vardhan

Pain Letters – The Last Goodbye

Kindly keep attachments. They are all yours anyway.

Please read this through. It is just one email after such a long silence. You were closest thing to my heart once, a family – do this much for me. And this time it has something for you.  Those files. At least keep the files you sent me. You may regret not reading it but who knows? If you can’t read, at least send me a okay – it will give me an illusion that you have read it through. You wabrecme to be happy in illusions. Give me this one.

Maybe one day you will know what it feels like to be treated like trash by someone you love – if you ever do love someone the way I loved you. If you ever do made yourself vulnerable to their reactions, if you ever loved someone enough to let them get out of a relationship with you because they are falling for someone, if you ever do love someone enough to want to stick around and care for them when they continue to hurt you and tell you how little you meant in their life. If you ever love someone enough to want to stay up all night just so that they won’t be left alone and then one day being left alone to die because they were too busy only to continue worrry about them. If you ever do love someone enough to make the apologies when no one could pretend that you were the one wronged – because that is how much you love other  person. If you ever do love someone that you want to move away from them for fear of hurting them and becuase you know that they will never understand what power they hold over you.

Do you remember when I told you how it scares me to be physically intimate with another person? Do you remember you yourself saying similar thing to me? I don’t even know anymore how much of what you said was true. But tell me was it worth the laugh you got out of it to push me through all that? I won’t be able to trust anyone again Sareen, if that is what you wanted, you suceed.

I don’t think you ever loved me that way (or any other way whatsoever) – with me, it was all about convience – until someone better, physically around was to show up. I know you don’t like this argument that I keep repeating. Becuase it continues to hurt, Sareen. Becuase it continues to riddle me down. Becuase I continue to not know what to think of that time we had togather? A joke someone played on me? An illusion? Or just you passing time? What do YOU think of it? A mistake? A lesson? An entertainment for when you were bored? It is a conversation that never ends because you don’t tell me you understand how I feel. Because I don’t understand what I feel. And it is important to me that you understand. Just as important as your Sir or Zod was to you. Just as important as it was to you that your lover should be physically around you. But I give up all these attempts at understanding now or am trying to.

Maybe you love your sir or someone else that way and if that is case, I think you will understand. In that case, can you atleast tell me that now you know you never really loved me?

Every single day in last two years or so I have thought of you. There were days so much harder to get through than any other I have known. So many times I was afraid and even wanted for you to just text a ‘hi’. You said you didn’t becuase you thought I didn’t want to. But that is not true. You left on your accord and even when I begged you to come back you refused.

I could have been angry but at least I would have known that you too had suffered a loss. But now I am sure you never suffered a loss. The one person I was afraid would be hurt by my death, was only too happy to get rid of me.

How many of those days you ever remember me? A dozen? Half a dozen? So if I say you never loved me or don’t give a damn if I am dead or alive, is it a lie? If it is truth why not say it? Why not let me have the closure? Am I that worthless to you?

How many times have you left your sir for a new lover? None I bet. Right? So what was difference between him and me? I wasn’t that important right? You would never left your friends for me the way you left because you wanted to focus solely on your sir, right? What you felt for me was an illusion, right? So why not say it to my face?

One day you will regret your silence. You insisted that you will be there but you went away. Remember when I wanted to go away but every time i remember you had abandonment issues? Am I so worthless to you that you can’t sympathise with me even once in all this time?

Truth is you never was sorry, that was just another trick … Or you won’t know a way out of saying it in person. That is how I remember you. ‘Slap me’ you would say in guilt, or insist on me saying ‘i forgive you’ even when I didn’t see the guilt. But I guess that was a trick too.

I told you that you would leave me when you are happy and that is what you did right?

You said you loved me, but when I needed being held on to, you were busy with your sir. You said you wanted to stay friends, but each time I needed a friend you were too busy. If you wanted to stop talking to me, all you had to do was give me a chance to prepare myself – a few minutes and it could have saved me so much suffering. Was it too difficult for you to understand that even if it was a jokenot illusion for you, it was something beautiful for me.

Last year, Jenny was ill and seemed to be dying, I appeal to your humanity and you still weren’t there. I begged of you 9 sentences – sentences that will confirm what you have already said, but no you won’t give me even those. Even though it didn’t keep you from playing tricks all this time. Now I asked for only two sentences and you refuse to give me those two as well. This time Sareen I will ask for nothing. All this time it didn’t occur to you to show mercy on me once. All this time if you had showed up and just said hi of your own accord – if only to tell me you don’t want me around, it at least won’t have made me suffer so. But you are indifferent to my suffering, aren’t you? Or you actually enjoy knowing that this fool here still can’t get over you?

I’m pathetic to keep on writing to you. I wish I could stop, I will try to stop. What little of life was left in me was wasted on you and I am a walking dead. But if you are reading this Sareen, know that you won’t always be happy. You already know what it feels to be so suddenly abandoned, don’t you? Didn’t that friend of yours did that to you? How does it feel to be in his shoes?

There is a message I have from you on goodreads of you from long time ago saying that I have to understand that you are here to stay. I was fool enough to believe in it.

Anyway, Sareen, consider it an advance birthday gift (I do not want to trouble you on or around your birthday) when I tell you I continue to suffer. I don’t think I will ever trust, leave alone love again. So you win. All rounds. Clear winner.

If you ever did love me Sareen, know this – one day the space I created in your heart will scream out loud and you will regret your silence you are enjoying so much. Time may yet come on my side Sareen. Maybe the pillars on which your arrognace will fall one day. And you will learn how you lost the flower in your pursuit of leaves. Maybe there are some things that you yourself have to say but only have buried them inside yourself. But remember they might just be seeds of a tree of agony and your burying them deeper and deeper inside yourself is an act of self-harm. I hope if that is the case you will have someone to support you the day that tree shoots. That is partially why I let your 5 word apology fool me, I was truly fooled into thinking you were feeling guilty. Even if that tree had shoot, I don’t think the tree has truly shown what heights it can reach yet. You won’t be able to cut it. You will have to carry it and I hope you will have someone to carry it with. But I know no support from anyone will ever be enough. Of course i know it is a stupid fantasy of mine. You never did love me. You get away with it all.

In all these years, there has been days I have hated you and there has been days I have been disgusted by you. But even that hatred and disgust was born of love I felt. I hate that love. I hate myself for ever loving and trusting you. But know this, no matter how much I hated and felt disgusted by your actions, if you had once come to me and asked for my help in something, I would have done my best to help you. It is only day I could be indifferent to you, that I could stop feeling all those things – love, care, hate, disgust for you. All those feelings have been results of your actions.

But I think you knew that I would do anything to care for you if I knew you were sad, you just didn’t apreciate it.

One day you will. One day your life – even if it has everything, will be inadequate. I may be nothing, I maybe just a loser but you will regret losing me anyway. But I think if such day ever comes, despite all strength and honesty your profession is supposed to have given to you, you will be too cowardly to admit it. No matter how angry I got, no matter how much you hurt me, if there was anything I could do for you I would have done for you. I don’t know if I won’t be moved to do something today as well if you were to appear. But I don’t think you will have courage to show your face to me, if such a case ever happens.

Very well.

I can’t stop my feelings. I wish they were like those of yours. Products of convience. I don’t even think you will read it through. If you do, even admitting that you have read it on an email will be a favor to me.

I begged you for two sentences and you refused those too. (I don’t think you even remember the two sentences so here they are: 1. That you never loved me or considered me a friend. 2. That you don’t give a damn if I am dead or alive.) It was some answers I wanted, just those two sentences would have sufficed. If ever you were grateful for anything I did for you, you would have given me those two sentences. To be honest, I don’t even think you remember those days. Anyway those two sentences …Now I will assume that you have already said them since I can’t hope to hear them from you. You were once angry that your friend replied in one word ‘okay’ to all your complaints. I would feel it almost lucky to hear that word from in reply to this letter. An ‘okay’ to show that you have read this letter. That is all the favor I ask from you.

And oh! It is a good thing you didn’t get a dog. I don’t think you would have treated a dog any better. But maybe I am wrong. You might just have treated your dog any better.

Your tricks after your leaving. What they were about? All those wrong mails? Unblocking on facebook? And that throw away 5 word apology? What was that if it wasn’t a joke? Or you were too full of yourself to see how it would be taken? And movie recommendations? Seriously. How low am I to you really? But perhaps I was always a fool to trust you. I remember when you first kissed your sir. You were still doing that you-and-me thing with me, I remember breaking it so that you won’t have to go through discomfort of breaking to be with your Sir even though I was going through a personal hell. I remember you still saying everything that could have hurt me. Why? You were so indifferent that you were checking GIFs after ending of you-and-me thing. I remember becuase you told me that detail. So why that sadism? You were getting what you wanted right? Why were you so mad? I remember you forgetting my birthday, how many times you have forgotten birthdays of your sir so far? But yes I know he is physically around. You know what? There was a time, when I felt a real power over you. A power to manipulate you the way I would have like. Just a sentence and you would see the world as I wanted to and do things I wanted you to do. But it never occur to abuse that power. I never even asked you for nudes. I think you knew you had some power over me too. Only you chose to be abuse it. I guess that is how you normal people do in relationships – imprisioning each other. I was a fool to think I had finally found someone who understood me. I should have known. I don’t belong with you people.

If you really wanted me to get over you or do well you would have stuck around and not left no matter how many times I tell you to do that. I stayed around till things got better for you with your Sir, right? Remember how many times you had said how redundant I was in your life by then? Remember how many times by then you had done things that I had explicitly told you would hurt me. But I guess I was really redundant.

I deleted your phone numbers repeatedly over last two years. I no longer have your adress. You see I was trying to stay away from you as you wanted? I was keeping that Google Keep note as souvenir – one among several. But you send a five word apology and expect me to accept change of status with all that was now being replaced by movie recommendations. Really? Am I that big a loser to you? Anyway that keep note is also gone. Remember that songs you wrote? You will find them attached here. They were kept as souvenirs too. And all the pictures you send me. And recordings. I am sending them all to you. I once thought that if I live long enough, there will come a time when maybe we could have some kind of friendship – not relationship, not close friendship, just something little. I once thought that you won’t mind giving me at least that (a once in a month or two letter) after a real apology. I thought on that day I would share them with you and we would be able to look at them as happy memories. But I can’t go on holding them. Through all my anger and hatred, I had that hope that one day you will come back and make things okay. You had rebuilt things with friends who, according to your own words, meant much less for you than I did. That is why. And there were times I could have kill myself of all the anguish you gave me (every single minute was a struggle Sareen, I hope no one ever has to go through that again) but I didn’t because I didn’t want you to come back and find me dead and  feel guilty somhow. I know I was a fool. You didn’t have courtesy of saying ‘don’t hope’. But I don’t hope any longer. Even if you do someday change your mind (for all your ficklemindedness, it has not changed all this time, right?), I don’t hope to be around that long. So better return to you what is yours, right? There is a short story or two of yours too I think. As for my id and password, if the letter angers you, they will be a way for you to get to me.

I am not promising I won’t write again, but I will try not to. Every time I do end up writing to you is an additional humiliation to me. I will assume though that you now have your copy of these pictures and other stuff.

I will be deleting these files in a few days now. They were on my google drive and when I die, they may end up in wrong hands or who knows where they go? I remember you were once afraid that I could misuse them. I didn’t but since I can’t say same for after my death, here is another of your birthday gift. Your privacy.

At the very least, do please consider replying with a ‘okay’.  Other than that I want nothing from you. You disgust me. I disgust myself for ever believing a coward and liar like you.

Bella ciao,

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